Hanging on (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2) Page 19

  The business of fighting was a business indeed. I wasn’t even mad anymore—more love sick. But I understood that it was important to set precedence so the behavior wasn’t repeated, so I would have to stick this out like Gladis said. After all, he would do the same thing to me, Gladis was sure of it.

  We girls arrived at the bar in absolute misery! What happened to the days when we could drink all night, wake up tired but alive, and head out the next day? Early twenties rocked for that! We weren't even thirty and hangovers were already getting worse.

  We walked into the bar with a sort of zombie shuffle. I was filled with trepidation about William, but was more concerned with my raging headache and slightly queasy stomach. The bar was about a quarter filled, which was great for low noise volume. It was a good sized place with a long bar to the right of the door, and a bunch of tables and booths spread out. There was a small dance floor and a juke box off to the side. No room for bands unless there was something I wasn't seeing. Which was good news, because a noisy country band would be torture I was not up for.

  I saw William in the corner dressed casual with extremely flattering clothes. His muscles were not bare, but were certainly not hidden. It looked like he was trying to get laid. If I didn't already know it was for me, I would have been nervous at the competition. As it was I was extremely turned on. Which was his intention.

  He was fighting a war of his own.

  "Do I look as good as William does?" I asked quietly, leading the way to the bar.

  Everyone was a pro in this group; no one had to turn and look, and if they did, they were subtle enough not to be noticed.

  "Could you possibly ever look that good?" Flem asked.

  "Not helping Flem. Your stupid ass left me last night, too."

  "Yeah, but you always do that to me, so I claim tit-for-tat."

  True.

  "Okay, well then let me rephrase. Do I look good for me?"

  "You look hot, yes. Many a man would want to take you home. And those jeans make your butt and legs look amazing. Cleavage is not all bad, either, but you could stand to adjust a titch," Jane said, ever helpful.

  I secretly adjusted the cleavage, which meant William's table couldn't see, but the bartender got some eye candy. And judging by the ogle, he took a good look.

  Since he was focused on us anyway, we ordered beers. I threw out money for the round and leaned heavily on the bar. I still wasn’t confident I could swallow a beer without immediately throwing it back up.

  The bartender came back and shook his head at the money. "You’re Jessica, right?"

  I nodded in confusion.

  "Yeah, you n' your friends don't pay. I was told there would be one more."

  "Uh...she couldn't come. And I will pay for this round, thanks."

  He shook his head again. "Nope, you don't pay tonight. You pay, I get a shitty tip. So, you don't pay. Sorry darlin."

  That was irritating. He was the only bartender on duty, too. I looked at the girls. They looked back. No one had any ideas. Flem shrugged and took her beer. Claire followed suit.

  I was so frustrated I wanted to cry. He was getting the upper hand; forcing me to use his generosity. What would Gladis do?

  I took the beers from the girls and put them back on the bar.

  "No. We'll leave," I said sternly to the bartender.

  I would get my way tonight, damn it!

  "What would you get if we left?” I continued, trying to convince the skeptical bartender. “All those boys would follow us, right? So you would get no tip. Not less—none at all. But if we stay, we'll keep people in this bar—at least the boys. Then the girls will stay for the boys. You'll make out better."

  He looked at me with a contemplative face. I pushed my advantage. "Five single ladies looking good? We'll keep people here, and that will generate tips. More people means more money in your pocket. That guy at the far table tips you less, which is probably just an unfounded threat, and I'll make up the difference, alright? I’ll settle it with you."

  "What if they leave?" He asked.

  "They're not leaving if we're not leaving. They will leave, though, if we do. Tonight they are trying to impress us. Well, the one is trying to impress me. He'll go where I go."

  I was losing my patience. I put on my management voice. Newly learned, but damned useful. "Look, take my money and just sell us the beer, okay? Maybe later we won't ask, but at least this round, sell the damn beer. Please."

  He finally shrugged his fat shoulders and took the money.

  Jane whispered, "Willie is looking this way. He looks mad. No...wait. He’s smirking. He just shook his head and said something to Adam. Lump, you have a better vantage, take watch. They'll see me looking."

  "Adam is looking over here,” Lump started in. “He looks hot tonight. Wish he wasn't such a pompous woman-hating asshole, I might like to get him naked."

  “You can have him. Last night reminded me that I’m over men from this part of the world,” Flem said, holding her head like I had earlier.

  "Focus girls," I whispered.

  "Right.” Lump nodded, back on track. “Adam and Willie are talking to the others. Willie glanced up here again. He looks like a lost puppy. Like a kid that got his big red ball stolen."

  "Yeah, he is known to pout, too. Don't let him weaken you. Stay strong." I was whispering that more to myself then to Lump. I hated being mad at him. I wanted him to tell me he knew how much he hurt me and hold me to make it better.

  I was turning into a sap.

  "Okay, he has turned back. Now what?"

  "I don't know. What should we do?"

  Flem sighed. "Look, I don't care what we do, as long as I can sit down."

  "Let's go over," said Jane.

  I nodded. We picked up the conversation of what we remembered after the bar last night and immediately were laughing at ourselves and each other. I noticed that there were five guys at the table. Evenly matched. I wondered if that was planned. And who called dips on who...

  When we reached them three of the five guys stood up. Lump backed up and brought Flem with her. Jane looked at them all with wide eyes. Claire was looking out the window.

  "They are being polite.” I sighed. “They are standing until we sit down—like in westerns.”

  "Such a strange place," Lump said, smiling at everyone. They all grinned or smiled back.

  The guys all moved around so they were sitting on one side, allowing the girls to take the other, except for Brad, who happily stayed where he was so Jane could crawl in next to him. Which meant… I took a deep breath and sat in the seat next to William. He, of course, not only looked good enough to eat, but he smelled better. My mouth was watering and my loins burning.

  I showed none of this, however. At least, I hoped I didn't.

  He smiled warmly as I sat down. I wasn't sure what the fighting war book would say to do, so I looked at him with a blank face, felt sad I couldn't smile back, and looked away. I heard him sigh and saw him start to peel the label of his beer out of the corner of my eye.

  Moose and Ty were here sans their girlfriends, which was odd. Adam and Brad were single, but Brad had eyes (and hands) only for Jane, and Adam would lay down in traffic before he would lay a romantic finger on me. Which meant William was covering all his bases. He was good. Irritatingly so.

  "Where are all the girlfriends?" I asked lightly.

  Moose looked quickly at William, who looked at Ty. I rolled my eyes and looked at Lump. A ghost of a smile graced her face before she added, "Yeah. Why no single guys besides Adam? What are we going to do for fun?"

  She said this in such a way as to leave no doubt that Adam was the furthest from anyone she would be having fun with. She did sit next to him, though. I had a feeling she would be taunting him all night, trying to get him interested so she could turn him down. I wondered if he would fall for it. She was fighting her own battle, but damned if I knew what it was about.

  “I’m single.” Brad raised one hand, the other rub
bing Jane's leg.

  They were so going to make out later.

  “You don’t count,” Lump said. “Jane already called dibs on you.”

  “Dibs?” Ty asked with a smile.

  “Shut up, Ty—don’t act all innocent. You guys all do it!” I commented.

  “Yes, but we are men, and can do as we please,” Ty answered with a haughty tone. “It is up to us to enforce the double standard. Be careful missy—I saw someone putting up a stake outside for the witch burnings later.”

  “Ty, I am much too hung-over to be witty.”

  “You look too hung-over for that beer.”

  Moose said, "We are having a few quiet ones before the girls show up. They are getting ready."

  I took a sip of my beer and grimaced, proving Ty right.

  "Not going down so well?" Adam asked with a chuckle.

  Lump rolled her eyes.

  "Just getting started, Adam. We had a pool party after the bar last night. It was a rough morning," I answered with a gruff voice. I wanted to lay down and die.

  "A what?" Brad asked, leaning in to see us all. He was at the end of the table, leaning heavily into Jane.

  "Pool. Party. We swam. In a pool."

  "You swam in the state you were in last night?" William asked with heat in his voice.

  The beginning of this evening was not going well.

  "Yes, we swam. Gladis came down to read a book to make sure no one drowned. We finished another case of beer—"

  "Two," Claire interjected. "And some Cuervo. Ah lads! We were blocked!"

  “That means really drunk,” Jane clarified.

  One of the guys whistled.

  "What if one of you had drown? What would Gladis have done?" William asked, leaning toward me.

  It was Jane that answered in a voice that a teacher might use to her pupil. "Willie, we are professionals. We have gone skinny dipping while drunk off our faces many a time. Usually in a river current with no lights or convenient floatie devices. To use your slang, this ain't our first rodeo. So cut the umbilical cord, if you would."

  Moose leaned back with a bewildered smile on his face. Adam leaned in to look at Jane, and Brad had a smile from ear to ear. William's face lost all expression as he stared at her. His eyes, however, took on a fervor that indicated he was giving everything he had not to blow up at us.

  Someone once asked me how you knew when you went too far with someone as sweet and level-headed as Jane. The answer was simple: when she made you feel two feet tall. Jane was obviously in no mood to tolerate someone questioning her, no matter how valid the questions might be.

  It suddenly struck me as funny that he was so worried about me drowning, but not so worried about me drunk in the parking lot of a crowded bar that we had to leave quickly due to a fight arising from sexual aggression. How did that make sense?

  “I am going to go put on some music,” I announced. Maybe it would lighten the mood. My mood.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I got up to go to the juke box and saw that William got up with me. It would have been a little much to tell him to sit back down in front of all these people, but I was tempted.

  The juke box had a giant collection of country songs, but not much in the way of hip hop. I started looking for some fun classics that might get the girls in an upbeat mood.

  William leaned in beside me.

  “Can I have a word?” He asked.

  He better not start lecturing me on swimming!

  I gave no outward response. He took that as a ‘yes’ for some reason.

  “I cannot give you words for how sorry I am about last night. Jessica, I...I won’t bother giving you excuses. The fact is, it was inexcusable. Not having you with me last night was more punishment than I think you realize. But I also know it wasn’t enough in your eyes. Please. I don’t know what to do, or say, that will redeem myself. I don’t know...Please.”

  Must stay strong. Must stay strong.

  “William.” My voice was somehow flat despite the chaos of my thoughts. I turned to face him. He looked haggard. His face was fraught with worry and his body language was anything but the proud and confident man he showed to the world. “Look. You always say how much I mean to you. What a great fear of yours it was that I might leave. You get mad at me for not being 100% confident that you won’t tire of me, and you are beside yourself angry when I do something that you think puts me in harm’s way. All this you drill into me.

  “You make yourself seem better than human. Like the perfect God I often think of you as. You hold yourself, and me, to this high regard, to these impossible rules. Then you do something that an ape wouldn’t do. That a dog wouldn’t do. You forget me. You leave without me in the parking lot of a club filled with chaos. Leave your date. Your girlfriend. What you call your heart, behind. In a damn parking lot, drunk, after a big fight! You take off with my friends, and leave me behind.”

  I didn’t realize I had started crying. “How can I forgive that?” I also didn’t realize I would utter those words, and once I did they sounded stronger than I intended, but exactly as I had been thinking. I couldn’t imagine myself without William. Not for a second. But I realized in that moment that it was no bluff. If I was not important enough to be remembered, then that was not a healthy situation for me.

  Why did I pick now of all times to grow up?!

  He looked at me like his world flipped upside down. He was expecting hurt feelings, me to torture him, but eventually he banked on me giving in. I realized this was exactly what Gladis had been getting at. In future he would always weight how much crap he would have to go through to make up for something he did wrong. If it was worth it to grovel for a few days, he wouldn’t blink about doing something he knew I wouldn’t like. It would get further and further, he would push harder and harder, until eventually it would get unbearable. I had been there many times, never realizing until now that this was how it started. This was the beginning.

  Not all battles would be fought, and most things I would just let go, but he had to know that I would walk away if it got too bad. That I could walk away. He had to know it in the beginning when it would affect his decisions to come, instead of at the end, when it was too late.

  I also knew he would test me the same way, eventually. It was an equal partnership, and both parties had to know it. We weren’t in the 50’s anymore. Thank you kindly, Gladis. You were right, and I owe you one.

  If this worked out.

  William was was staring at me with glossy eyes. What was there to say?

  I turned back to the juke box and finished my selections. William stood there for a second, mute, before walking away. He headed toward the bar.

  A bucket of cold water fell over me as I realized I might have just ended our relationship. I might have just cut off the one person that made me happiest. The ending to my fairytale. My prince. My Apollo.

  I moved to run to him, but Lump and Claire stepped up to either side of me. They leaned toward the juke box as if helping me with songs.

  “If he doesn’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be,” Lump said quietly. “He’s got to want to come back.”

  “Yeah, you gotta let him go, Jess,” Claire affirmed. “Let him think on it. If he feels that strongly, he’ll find a way. He’ll regain your trust.”

  “But...he has my trust.” I was sobbing quietly. I felt Jane’s hand on my back.

  “Lump, go over and piss Adam off,” Jane whispered. “He wants to come over to Jessica. Find a way to send him to Willie instead. Or just sit and fight with him. Flem is trying but flirting isn’t working and she doesn’t piss him off like you do.”

  Lump nodded and was gone. Jane stepped in beside me to take Lump’s place.

  “Shhhhhh, now. Shhhhhhh,” She coo'd as she picked a country song. “Jess, you know he loves you. But you did the right thing. You have to stick up for yourself. You have to be treated how you need to be treated. With all you’ve been through in this town, you are really only staying for
him. If you can’t count on him, then it just isn’t in the cards for you two.”

  Why does everything that has to do with love end up explained in one cliché or another? It seemed that everyone across time had the same feelings to various degrees, and rather than trying to explain them anymore, we just regurgitate the same old dumb sayings and explanations. Yet, they still fit. And everyone understands you when you say them.

  But love still mystifies and daunts us. We think we need it, but it has the ability to make us miserable. We put cultural constraints around it, like you can only be with one person, or you marry one person and you are stuck with them for life, but it all seems to be aimed at taming the wild beast that is love, when love obviously can’t be tamed. Like a bull, it can be ridden for a while. Maybe a long while. But that bastard just throws you and bucks you then tramples the shit out of you if you fall off. And my God, I was being trampled by William’s giant bulls right now.

  I was also using bulls in an analogy. What had this state done to me?

  I calmed my wracking sobs. Lump walked up behind us and said, “Nothing to it. That guy has the most obvious buttons in the world. A push here, a jab there, a little tickle for effect and voila, you have a giant, angry cowboy on your hands. I thought he might punch me back there.” I could hear her glowing behind me. Those two were worse than brother and sister. Ten times more volatile.

  “Jess,” Lump said more seriously. “Do you want to leave?”

  “I think I just want to get drunk. Really, really drunk.”

  “We can do that in a flash,” Claire said. “But do ye want to do it here, or somewhere’s else?”

  I was not capable of making the decision to leave William. I also didn’t want to escalate the situation. Plus, I didn’t know where else to go.

  I decided that if he didn’t want to be around me, he could leave. Fresh tears came to my eyes.

  “I am going to go to the bathroom,” I stated. “I want to go alone.”